Word Diarrhea

I gotta let it out. It’s bad. And it’s all coming out at once, right now. I can no longer hold it back. It’s going to stink. It’s going to be ugly. It’s going to offend. But that’s what happens when you feast and feast and feast and feast on garbage, and then hold it all in. Eventually it all has to come out and people are going to notice.

I figured it was just writer’s constipation. For the life of me I couldn’t find one decent thing to write about for MONTHS. I’ve been all backed up with heavy topics like politics, race, religion, abortion… none of which I have ANY desire to write about. Yet there they all are, gnawing away at my insides like some partially digested White Castle Crave Case just waiting for their moment to burst all over my keyboard. My head and heart are heavy-laden. Time to unload.

You see, I just want to be funny and light-hearted. I want people to like me. I need that. I dislike confrontation and tend to avoid it if possible. On the flip side, I am uncompromising in my beliefs. That is not to say I am close-minded. I’m constantly examining and re-examining what I believe, and in some circumstances have changed my stance. Like politics, for instance.

Oh here it comes.

I’m a conservative, evangelical Christian. So what does that mean? Let’s ask the biased media and political pundits…

• I hate black people, gay people, women, liberals, science, and progress of any kind.
• I love guns, war, oil, money and big business.
• I believe the world is flat, old white men should run everything, and poor people are poor because they’re lazy.

I could go on, but yep, that’s me in a nutshell.

So this is what I’m fed on a daily basis. This is the same rotten meal that’s served up everywhere you go, day after day, and it sucks to ingest. Are there people that believe all that tripe above? I’m sure there are. Douche bags come in all sorts of colors, red and blue included. I like to think there are more people like me out there than there are people that are staunch red and staunch blue.

If you are genuinely committed to representing one side loyally… full on, no compromise… and you raise the Republican/Democrat banner high for all to see, then you genuinely need to be committed. Seriously. Get a life. And a clue. You are the problem. This is real life, and in real life there are no “one size fits all” solutions. You just might want to consider that someone else has some ideas worth listening to.

So as a conservative Christian I did vote Republican, but I’m not exactly proud of the fact. I certainly wouldn’t have jumped for joy had McCain or Romney won. To me, voting is like choosing a cell phone provider. They all suck, but who do you think will suck less?

In 2008 I genuinely believed Obama would be voted out. There was a great awaking taking place in America to the fact that the whole “Hope and Change” crap was just clever marketing, nothing more. Tune in to enough rightwing, tinfoil hat commentary and you start believing in this supposed great “revival”. Post election you realize, quite soberly, that the Republican party is freakin’ delusional. Does that make me a Democrat now. Dear Lord no. Will I vote Republican again? Please. So what’s my alternative? Third Party? Independent? What’s the point? The system is broke. The people are not truly represented. Do you really believe the elite, privileged millionaires in Congress represent us?

“Wait, wait, wait… you’re one of those anti-government anarchists.”

No, I like my government just like I like my porridge… not too hot, but not too cold. Not too big, but not too small (shut up, I know that’s not in the story, but it works here). But this porridge we have here now? This porridge tastes like crap and it’s giving me cramps.

So we’re forced to pick a side if you believe the media… red or blue. It’s us versus them. There’s no middle ground. Red and blue is like the new black and white, and relations couldn’t be any worse.

“Speaking about relations… what about race relations?”

Oh boy, round two… hold on tight… face reddening… stomaching cramping…

Douchebaggery knows no color. It’s as simple as that. Hate and ignorance are everywhere and no color is immune. I guess what I have a huge problem with are the people, and of course media outlets, that fan the flames of intolerance. Like our good friend Al Sharpton for instance. Wouldn’t miss any opportunity to get his mug on TV, would he? So thank you Zimmerman/Martin for providing the platform for him to spew more race-baiting hatred. He’s like a race storm chaser. Is that a thing? It should be.

Was that trial fair? I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. Looks like Zimmerman is a douche to me, but that’s inadmissible in court. Jury found him not guilty based on the evidence presented, and in accordance with the state laws, so we have to respect the decision. Don’t like it? Work to get the laws changed. Work to improve relations. Be a positive influence in the community, and an agent of change. Mr. Sharpton is a hater who’s forgotten the whole “Reverend” title he so proudly wears. Jesus sought to heal and forgive. Al prefers hurt and division. There’s more money in it after all.

One beautiful new gem that did come from the Zimmerman/Martin tragedy is that we now have the “White-Hispanic” label. Thank goodness the media decided to feast on that tasty morsel of ignorance. I didn’t know we were hyphenating race now. But it raises the question… why didn’t anyone get excited about the election of our first “White-Black” president? Does this make me “White-White”? At what point does “Other” come in to play? Tiger Woods doesn’t stand a chance in this scenario, but let’s go ahead and label him too. He’s 1/4 African American, 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Chinese, 1/8 Native American and 1/8 Dutch, so that makes him White-Black-Asian-Native American. Am I close? Maybe just “White-Other” for short so we don’t unintentionally alienate and offend any of his ancestry.

I could go on, but I need to lay down now. I feel weak after releasing so much filth.

Nope. Can’t lie down either, it feels like I’m giving birth here. Speaking of birth…

Oh no, not again. Here it comes…

I am pro life. Wasn’t always that way. There was a time in my life where I argued that it’s a woman’s body and she can do with it as she chooses. Things change. I changed. This is not to say I now somehow support violence against those that are pro choice, and I am most certainly NOT “waging war on women” as the media, once again, would like you to believe. I’m not trying to set back anyone’s rights. Abortion is not progress. It’s just sadness, no matter the reasoning, and I don’t envy those in the position to have to make that dreaded decision.

“But it’s my body!”

Well, not exactly. That “thing” in there has it’s own DNA that’s different than yours, so technically that’s someone else’s body, right? Besides, if it happens to have a penis then I doubt very much that is part of YOUR body.

“But there’s just some cells in there, so it’s not really human life yet.”

Thanks to science we know that life begins at fertilization (conception). That’s science. No denying that, right? Label it what you want, but it’s still life… human life. Not frog life or fish life, but human life. Remove that life, in whatever stage it is in, and you have no life.

Let’s review: Once there was life. Then there was no life.

Zygote, Embryo, Fetus, White-Black Egg Person, whatever you want to label it, it’s still human. It’s still life. All labels serve to do is dehumanize the life that’s inside of you. Much easier to strip the rights away from something abstract like “zygote” than it is from a “human life”.

This sounds familiar. Where else have I heard something similar?

In the not too distant past white folk labeled the black man “slave” and generously afforded him 3/5 personhood. Mighty white of them white folk, huh? Fast forward a few hundred years and this looks awful, and embarrassing, and unbelievable, and inhumane. We actually (reluctantly) agreed that this was a good idea… that this group of humans was deserving of nothing more than 3/5 personhood. Fast forward another hundred or so years, add in further advancements in technology and medicine, and I’m willing to guess that history will not look so kind at our “progress” in affording unborn humans rights and protection.

I don’t claim to have all the answers and I certainly don’t wish this choice upon anyone. I’m not here to judge you, but rather plead with you… DON’T DO IT! You won’t see me angrily shaking my fist and waving a sign in your face. Rather you’ll find me praying, silently and to myself, that you make the right decision.

“Oh he said prayer, didn’t he?”

Annnnnnd round four… gonna need a shower after this…

So I believe in an invisible God. If you really think that’s pathetic, and nothing more than a crutch for the weak minded, then shouldn’t you just pat me on the head and pity me? I could drone on here, but I’ll save religion for it’s own blog. For now, I’ll just cling to my bible and my guns and move on.

“Guns, you say?”

Relax, let it all out, it’ll all be over soon…

Gun violence is appalling. So is bomb violence. Or fist violence for that matter. But banning guns and demonizing an entire group of law abiding people is a touch irrational. Personally, I don’t own any guns at the moment. That’s my choice. Guess I’m pro choice, huh?

The 2nd Amendment was put in place for a reason. I don’t believe that anytime in the near future the people of America will have to rise up and take arms against our government. But I’m also not naive enough to believe that it can NEVER happen. Say we pass some restrictive gun policies now, then maybe some additional measures are passed in the next generation or two, and so on until we’re left with guns in the hands of licensed government employees ONLY. My great, great, great grandson should not be okay with that balance of power… or lack thereof. Would he then have to reach out to Syria in hopes they would arm him and the other American “rebel forces” to fight our tyrannical government? (Oh the irony.)

No, I default to preserving liberties on this one. I’m open to listening to ideas on how to curb the violence, and even explore ways to keep guns out of the wrong hands, but I believe those that point an accusatory finger solely at guns are a bit misguided.

In my eyes guns really aren’t the root of the problem. People and the culture we live in are the problem. If we’re continuing this whole “totally honest” thing, people inherently suck. It’s true. We’re selfish, greedy and seemingly prone to violence. Throw us into a culture that constantly tells us we’re the biggest and best, and that we DESERVE only the biggest and best, and more of it, right NOW, and you’ve got yourself a problem.

Problems. I got a million of ’em but most are centered just above my shoulders.

One problem I don’t have right this moment? Blockage. It’s all out now and I feel great. Maybe I’ve lost a few of you on this one, and that’s okay. It has to be. A life lived to someone else’s expectations is no life lived at all.

So here’s to a fresh start, and a fresh pair of shorts.